Leading Effective Small Groups

Handling Disruptive People

Traditionally, Christian small-group activities are more positive, edifying, less contentious, and less confrontational than their secular or non-Christian counterparts. Christ Himself, and the Scriptures, in general, teach civility, peace, selflessness, and concern for the feelings and welfare of others in the Christian group context.

The reticence to speak out, to be assertive, or to appropriately confront may not, in fact, be a plus in the therapeutic group setting. But in the Bible-study group, the support group, the discipling group, or the fellowship group an attitude of love and other-person-centeredness provides a Christlike atmosphere which can assuredly facilitate the purposes of the OCF Bible Study and small-group activities.

Christian small groups are not immune from the disruptive or distractive influences of individuals whose personal agendas differ from those of the organization (in this case OCF) and the group. The purpose of this appendix is to assist the small-group leader in identifying and dealing with these individuals.

Although there are numerous types of disruptive or distractive members of small groups, this appendix will target only the two most common generally found in the Christian military arena. Let us call them Lt. B.G. Loony and his companion, Ms. I.M. Needy.

Years ago in small-group therapeutic lore, a new patient on a psychiatric ward entered the room for his first small-group therapy session. Looking around, he asked, "OK...who’s the bull-goose loony in here?" And thus a new psychological entity was born, the Bull-Goose Loony. The Bull-Goose Loony is generally accepted to be the individual in a group with the capability and the desire to take the group away from the designated leadership, and to turn it in a direction 180 degrees from the organizational purposes. There is one in almost every military unit in the service.

Fortunately we don’t see that many in our Bible-study groups. Nevertheless, they do occasionally show up. After all, the military prizes the characteristics of the bull-goose loony: capability, command presence, and determination. It’s just when these characteristics are running at cross-purposes with the organizational goals that they become disruptive.

Lt. Loony

Lt. Loony can appear at your small-group meeting under any number of guises. He may blatantly attempt to wrest the leadership of the group away from you. Perhaps because of prior theological training or simply because he thinks he knows more than anyone in the group, he pontificates on the passages being studied, quoting experts, stifling discussion, and limiting others’ personal discovery.

Or, he may disagree with the topic or section of Scripture that has been chosen to be studied. So he may simply turn every discussion in the direction he wants the group to go. Thus, a study of Philippians may turn out to be a constant debate on "name-it-and-claim-it faith," "glossolalia," or some other ancillary subject.

Harming the group even more, Lt. Loony may show up in a more subtle, passive-aggressive approach. Cracking wisecracks at every turn, he may inappropriately use humor as a defense mechanism to shield himself from the Word itself.

Or he may use a misguided wit as a weapon against others in the group, gigging them with pointed jabs, and then reacting in horror that he would be accused of emotionally harming someone. "After all," he will say, "it’s you who can’t take a joke." Such an attitude can easily prevent the group from ever reaching the critical "application phase" of the study (perhaps his goal in the first place).

Whatever black hat Lt. Loony may wear at any particular time, it must eventually be dealt with. But how is one to go about it, other than to pray for a backdoor revival (that he’s transferred or shipped out to sea), or to simply request that he no longer be a part of the group?

The answer is simple but not easy. Enlist him! Recruit him! Invite him to assist you in reaching the group’s goals. Acknowledge his strengths and the real contributions he has made and can make in the future. Encourage him to continue those. See if he has any additional ideas which can aid the group’s advance. But, be confrontive enough to point out where he is disrupting the group’s progress.

Help him to become aware of harm he is doing. Work to turn his natural proclivity to move the group in an opposite direction around far enough so as to keep from battling him. True, the natural tendency is to fight him (since it’s apparent that he is fighting you). But fighting him only plays into his struggle (often with authority; perhaps with you personally). By attempting to enlist him, you may gain in several ways.

First, you can gain the benefit of his most positive contributions, be they knowledge, wit, or others. Allowing those contributions to be aired, but keeping them reasonably reined in, can enhance the quality and atmosphere of the group.

Second, you may gain a brother. At the same time we must be aware of the needs of the larger group, we cannot ignore the reality that a bull-goose-loony attitude (especially in a Christian context) is signaling some real personal problems. Without a doubt the attitude shown at the Bible Study is characteristic of his professional and social approach to life. Even without professional counseling training, someone who can acknowledge his strengths and guide him in his weaknesses may very well be able to assist his personal growth despite his know-it-all attitude.

And finally, working with such an individual and observing growth and change in him can make a vital impact upon the other members of the group. Each one is then able to realize that the power of the Spirit of God can work in his or her own areas of weakness, just as He did in Lt. Loony. That is a powerful message.

Before examining the second of the individuals with which a small-group leader may need to deal, a disclaimer is in order. It is understood that not all Loonys are males, and not all Needys (see following discussion) are females. One look around our own world brings forth that truth. However, because of the very narrow field to which the OCF ministers, the military, and, because of the generalized truth that men are beings of ego or significance and are task oriented, they are more likely to be the bull-goose anything.

Additionally, because women are generally more beings of security and are relationally oriented, they are more likely than men to experience or to be aware of their needs. Thus the use of gender in this discussion.

Ms. Needy

Now to Lt. Loony’s girlfriend, Ms. I.M. Needy. This individual’s effect on the group will not be nearly as obvious as that of the dominating know-it-all. It will take much longer to recognize and will require much more discernment to identify. And, the prime difficulties inherent in this particular distraction to the purpose of the group are that her needs in general reflect those legitimate needs of many in the group, and those needs tap into the legitimate desires of believers to minister to a suffering brother or sister in Christ.

In truth, Ms. Needy may in fact be struggling with spiritual questions, relational problems, financial needs, and/or emotional battles. She may very well have had an abusive childhood: she may very well struggle with present loneliness: she may very well be out of money with bills yet to pay. She may very well be needy. But that’s not the main problem.

Where Ms. Needy becomes a distraction to the group is in her response to the efforts of the group to minister to her. All of us at one time or another have had difficulties we could share with brothers and sisters in Christ. As they heeded the biblical injunctions in Galatians 6:5 and 2 that, "...each one should bear his own load," but that, "...we should bear one another’s ‘overload’." We then were assisted in our present "overload." As the crisis passed, we were thankful to those who assisted us, and then we went on our way "bearing our own load."

But, after a while, and much group effort to minister to Ms. Needy, we begin to perceive that she simply is Inca,pable of "bearing her own load." In fact, we find to our chagrin, life itself to Ms. Needy is an "overload." Now we are in a different ballpark. Now we must make some difficult choices.

For her benefit and the benefit of the group, action must be taken when Ms. Needy’s neediness begins to drain the resources of the group, that is, the spiritual, emotionally, psychological, and physical resources. When the situation gets to be this desperate, then something besides her true needs is at work.

Authors of various books on the subject have addressed this concept. Gerald and Marianne Cory, in their seminal text, Groups: Process and Practice, caution against playing the dependent member’s game by meeting his dependency needs. "The starting point for helping dependent people is to refuse to reinforce the helpless position by refusing to fill the dependency needs. At the same time, the leader should help such people realize the means they are using to keep themselves dependent." (p. 197)

Eric Berne, in his excellent books on psychological transactions between people, Games People Play and What Do You Say After You Say Hello, addresses the possible genesis of neediness as something other than simply the having of real needs. In Games People Play, which examines transactions between people in the short term, Dr. Berne suggests that these psychological "games" or transactions always have a psychological twist at the end.

One of these games is "Why don’t you...yes, but..." In this game the helper (read "small group") tries everything to assist. "Why don’t you do (and something is suggested)." "Yes, but I tried that and it doesn’t work." This continues until the helper is ultimately defeated, realizing that nothing will help. That’s the payoff for the needy one. The helper is no smarter, no more capable, no better than the needy one...and she just proved it.

In What Do You Say After You Say Hello, the transactions are lifelong, called "Life Scripts." Often these scripts are so obvious it is as if they are messages on a sweatshirt. The front one declares the problem; the back one has the psychological kicker. Ms. Needy’s sweatshirt might read on the front, "Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen." The back will say "But You Better Believe I’m Going To Tell You...Over and Over and Over."

Dr. Howard Halpern, in his intriguing book, How To Break Your Addiction To A Person, suggests five ways people attempt to control others. Number one, control through power, we’ve discussed briefly in our examination of Lt. Loony. Methods three through five are control through servitude, through guilt, and through jealousy.

But it’s the second way of controlling that is applicable here, control through weakness. He begins this section, "Some people can wield their weakness as coercively as another may wield a club. Their basic manifesto is, ‘I am weak, helpless, dependent, and will fall apart without you. Therefore, you must take care of me, do what I want you to do, be my reliable rock, and never leave me.’" Note the full-time, lifelong requirements of this position.

If initial and reasonable ministry to an individual just doesn’t seem to have a salutary effect in meeting needs, then its very possible that person is either playing psychological games or, even worse, they are struggling with a lifelong condition of neediness or dependency as a major part of their identity. In either case, to continue to meet the dependency needs simply feeds and amplifies the dependency.

The kindest thing which can be done in that situation is to address the dependency. If Ms. Needy is just overwhelmed by a present crisis, then by addressing its effect on her and, thence, the group, may very well alert her to the broader situation. If it’s not a game or a personality disorder, she will appreciate the confrontation and will want to work through it.

However, if it is a game or a disordered condition, it is likely little can be done at the level of the small group. In this case, referral to a Christian counselor or therapist who is trained in working in these areas is probably the best thing. After talking with her, Ms. Needy should be allowed to continue in the group only if she is willing to seek professional help with her struggle. The group might feel it could help take on the expense of the counseling, but other resource commitments should be avoided.

If she does agree to counseling, she still should not be allowed to dominate the group with accounts of her progress. That, in itself, is a dependency event. Should she refuse to get help, she then should be asked to leave the group.

To some this will sound hard and not very Christlike. Not true. Jesus asked the paralytic at the Pool of Bethesda if he really wanted to be healed. Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to "Go and sin no more." He was very direct with the Samaritan woman at the well as to her moral condition. Can we do less than lovingly confront those who are living in their psychological or spiritual prisons?

Certainly, with both Lt. Loony and Ms. Needy we will need the guidance and power of the Spirit of God to handle a very delicate situation well. Undoubtedly we had rather be taken advantage of ten times than to miss a valid opportunity for ministry. In addition, we are to be very careful about our judgments of one another.

But in the love of Jesus Christ, through the guidance of the Spirit, and under the direction of God the Father, as people to whom a trust has been given, we can expect to minister appropriately and to lead lovingly. For, as Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 2:16, "We have the mind of Christ."

OCF thanks the Reverend Jon Harris for his insight and authorship of this appendix. Jon is a Christian counselor, OCF Member, and former Naval Aviator.